this made me laugh today

I was reading Mama...I married a Masri's blog posts. This post was written on 27/9/2010 titled tiny little rant: Don't call me "UMM"

Now when I read a post, I like reading the  subsequent comments as well when I came across this comment by a sister called Asiya:

I know lots of guys who name their kids so that they can have a certain kunya. I've yet to meet a girl that narcissistic.

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool that was too funny for words because I do that! I've been laughing so hard subhanallah. Ok it might not be funny to anyone but trust me, ask Tom, I'm like "what do you think of the name blah blah blah?" ok maybe not cos Umm blah blah blah doesn't sound good so maybe not. What about blah blah blah and so on. That is way too funny subhanallah. Aww may Allah preserve the sister and always never give her cause to be sad in this life and the next

Duchess

Lineage

Duchess: You know cos I'm black and you're white (he is actually turkish cypriot) when we have kids Insha Allah, they are gonna be birracial yes?
TOM: Yeah....
Duchess: Well if THEY get married, then you know one of us is gonna be lost innit
TOM: What do you mean?
Duchess: Well if they marry another black person, then your lineage is lost as they would be black and if they marry another white person, then I'm lost cos they would come out more white isn't it.
TOM: ok my kids are only marrying Turks. Sorry Duchess but we have to preserve the Ottoman Turks.
Duchess: You must be joking, they are only marrying hausa, we have to preserve the pure blood.
TOM: but it can't be all lost cos...there MUST be something about them that would indicate one of their "lost" lineage isn't it?
Duchess: Ok, take me for instance, I have to literally say Wallahi that my great grandfather is Lebaneese yes? If you see me, would you immediately know that I have an arab in my lineage?
TOM: *looks closely* oh yeaaaaaahhhhh....subhanallah you are so right. Imagine on Yawwmal Qiyaamah if your grandfather comes and the angels are like "here is your lineage" and he is like "where?" and they are like"here is your lineage over there" and he is like "but where I can't see them" and they are like "well, turn on the light"

Oh my *&%£$ husband, ever the racist!

Duchess

kids :)

So TOM and I were discussing...ok EID MUBARAK firstly. May Allah accept all our good deeds this year gone and the efforts of the hujjaaj (is that how you say it?)

Anywhoo TOM and I were discussing how we would want our kids to look like Insha Allah.

TOM: I hope they have your eye shape
Duchess: I hope they have your eye colour
and so on and so forth, till he thought he was being funny when he said

TOM: I hope they have your grizzly legs
Duchess: (after the long solo laugh had finished, and I mean solo cos HE was the only laughing *roll eyes*) Yeah, well I hope they have your rug of a back.
TOM: ok Astaghfirullah we should stop now cos our children are gonna end up looking like apes :s

Duchess

co-wives and other business

So TOM went to a walimah yesterday (may Allah preserve the brother and his wife and strengthen them in love and Rahma towards one another) when I started thinking about the issue of co-wives. So when TOM was sleeping, I decided to take Umm Umar's advice (thank you girl *smile*) and started asking him questions.

Duchess: So TOM, what's her name?
TOM: *snoring*
Duchess: TOM! What's her name, your second wife?
TOM: *snoring*
Duchess: TOM, dammit, (kicks him) what's your second wife's name?
TOM: *sleepily* what? what?
Duchess: TELL ME her name! your second wife?
TOM: Tony?

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool I was rolling on the floor laughing *wipes tears from eyes*

Duchess

Side note:
If I don't blog for a while, then know that I was killed as TOM has forbidden me from putting up this post. HE WISHES!!!! Miss K, please call me every few hours to check on me.

Mr Potato head

So I decided to make Potato and tuna bake for TOM yesterday cos:

1. We didn't have enough ingredients to make anythingelse
2. I had to go teach so couldn't go shopping anyway.

So TOM came home from work and called me on the phone saying what was there to eat and I was like, it's healthy cos you asked me to make you something healthy and its baked and not fried. He was like yum...so what is it and I'm like, its a surprise.

So he was like, what time do you finish teaching so I'll wait for you and we can eat together and I'm like aww ok so and so time.

Anyway when I came home, TOM was like, ALHAMDULILLAH, I'm starving and so he proceeds to open the oven and look.

TOM: Hmm it looks delicious
Duchess: Alhamdulillah, I got the recipe off the net
TOM: Can't wait to start eating I'm starving
Duchess: Ok, I'll just heat it up in the microwave.

So we are eating when all of a sudden TOM goes

"Duchess...is this it? I mean, ain't there nothing inside besides...potato"
"Don't judge me, this is your people's food (ie non black. Don't judge me people, I married a white man so I'm not racist :p) and plus there is tuna inside and cheese"
"Duchess, this is pure POTATO and...oh i'm sorry, strands...no pardon me...STRINGS of tuna"
"TOM, you said you wanted healthy food so...its healthy innit?"

Anyways, TOM is sleeping now and I'm like can you MOVE, you are pressing on me and I'm on the laptop so please don't break it. (I talk to him when he is sleeping)

TOM: *screams like a girl while he is sleeping* I'm having a nightmare, I'm being chased by potatoes

grrr

Toothless Afghani -2-

So TOM thinks its cute to tell me he is going to marry an Afghani whenever he is upset with me (flipping cheek!) and as a result, I call his stupid imaginary wife a toothless Afghani.

Tonight, he had been calling me all night but I was on the phone with my best friend who I hadn't spoken to in AGES! Tabarakallah so there was a lot of catching up to do innit?!

When I finally spoke to him, this is what follows:

TOM: Duchess, I've been calling you since forever man, I proper missed you all day and really wanted to talk to you.
Duchess: awwww tabarakallah I'm sorry I was on the phone to my friend
TOM: I figured. You talk too much on the phone. You know what, I don't miss you anymore, I'm gonna go marry my Afghani woman.
Duchess: What the toothless one?
TOM: Yeah, I'll give her dentures as her mahr*

Duchess

*mahr is the gift a bride receives from the groom.

Toothless Afghani -1-

Dear TOM,

It's not funny when you keep talking about wanting to marry an Afghani woman. It makes my blood boil and I just want to rip every hair on your head!

I've decided however that if you choose to go down this path, its not a problem cos I'll kill her and your mum can kill you cos you KNOW I'm too cute to serve two life sentences.

Yours,

Duchess

Gold fish...and other things golden :)

So TOM and I are having dinner:

TOM: you know I had to give my gold fish CPR once
Duchess: really subhanallah, what happened?
TOM: well I could see it wasn't breathing in its bowl, so I took it out and started breathing into it and pumping its chest
Duchess: woah o_O, did it live?
TOM: (gives me a look only reserved for slow people) ok you doughnut, its a joke
Duchess: (slightly annoyed but not showing it so says in a sing song voice) I see someone doesn't want prime real estate*
TOM: Oh shush, it still doesn't stop you from being slow though :)

Duchess

* that statement refers to the fact that the Rassul salallahu 'alaihi wa sallam said "I guarantee a house in the middle of Paradise for the one who leave of lying even if it be in jest"

Dear TOM

Dear TOM,

Whenever I am angry with you and I am sulking, it is not sufficient for you to keep saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry". NO! Do you even know WHY you are sorry? What's to stop you from doing it again in future?

So, whenever I am angry with you, you listen attentively to what it is you have done wrong and THEN after thoroughly understanding my reasons for getting angry/upset, you apologise.

You do not give me that one raised eye brow thing that you know makes me weak and causes me to loose my reasoning in the middle of my well thought out speech dammit!

Duchess

Dear TOM

Dear TOM,

When you take a woman shopping, you don't EVER EVER guess the wrong size (ie make her bigger than she is)! If you don't know, its ALWAYS safer to guess the smallest size on the rack and if your wife takes a bigger size FEIGN surprise if you have to, all the while saying "are you sure that's not too big?"...actually that's equally as insulting. Ok Dear TOM, unless you wake up tomorrow and find me to be a size zero, never look at the size of my clothing when we go shopping.

Duchess

kitten dilemma

Ok TOM and I have two BEAUTIFUL gorgeous and absolutely fabulous kittens. Real kittens (ie this is not a metaphore for our children, we've only been married five months people slow your roll)

They are Aslan and Nasrah (too cute for words). Now since we got them, I TOTALLY understand the statement curiosity killed the cat. I swear I can't open a cupboard, drawer, OVEN, WASHING MACHINE (lives longer with calgon*) without one of them trying to crawl in. Its so annoying sometimes cos you don't want to lock them in there by mistake and they poo inside ewwwww.

Anywhoo so I was talking to TOM on the phone (cos I wasn't home and he was) and he must have opened a cupboard to which Aslan proceeded to waltz in. TOM then tells me and this is the conversation that ensues:

TOM: The cat's gone in the cupboard again
Duchess: I betcha it's Aslan.
TOM: Yeah it's him
Duchess: hmmm, who else? (as in who else would it be if not him).
TOM: No, just him
Duchess: yeah I know, who else (ie same as above, who else if not him).
TOM: No, duchess...just him (he says this like I'M the slow one)
Duchess: No dumbass (and proceeds to explain what I mean)

looooool awww TOM, thank God you're cute :)

* that line is from an advert in a UK commercial for washing machine cleaners. So whenever I hear the term washing machine, I always finish by saying "lives longer with calgon". Annoying, yes I know but TOM understands me.

Duchess

No followers :(

Ok, I  know I just started this blog so there is no way I'm gonna have followers but dammit! Seeing that is a bit depressing :(

Would it be sad if I started following myself? Ok yes it would be...

FOLLOW ME PEOPLE! Thank you :)

Duchess

Talking in his sleep

So TOM talks in his sleep and it is too funny for words. Sometimes, he would LITERALLY have a conversation with you while he is sleeping.

The last time, I was trying to do my homework for tajweed class (but I was stalking 3beeta's blog instead) so I'm sitting up in bed with the laptop BURNING a whole in my thigh (cos it was so hot and I was resting it on my thighs). So why am I not on a table like any sensible person? Well TOM can't sleep unless I'm lying next to him.

"Aww that's so sweet tabarakallah" I hear you say...tell that to my back pain!

ok, I digress

Anyways half way while he is sleeping, he wakes up and says "if that brother comes in and hears my wife reciting Qur'an, I'll take his head off" I'm like "what was that?" and he repeats it and i'm like oooooooooookkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy PSYCHO!

I made a whole section concerning this cos somehow, I know this won't be the end of this type of post.

Duchess

Looking at the big picture

Damn that pic of TOM and I at the top is big. Don't know how to crop it people so get used to it!

But then again, we are fabulous tabarakallah so it stays ;)

Duchess

Vandalism

Disclaimer:

I do not nor have I ever condoned vandalism so this post is in relation to ANOTHER TOM and Duchess so...

Anyways this TOM and Duchess went to Greenwich park when he said to her "quick cover me" and I...I mean she covered him with my..I mean...oh forget it! I covered him with my fat self while he scribbled with his pen knife :) and these kids came past and I said stop so we both covered were he was scribbling and I was like "la la la la la" and he was like "you're so bait" then when they left, he carried on scribbling ♥

Here is the finished product ...


It says TOM's real initial and mine lol


Once again, I  do not condone vandalism ;)

Duchess

As salaamu 'alaikum one and all

It took me like over an hour to create this blog so you best all stay!

 I'm gonna be blogging about Thomas O'Malley (TOM from here on out) and I's lovely lifey misadventures tabarakallah. We've been married for five months now but I'll post up past comments that I remember and will carry on from there Insha Allah.

Enjoy!

Duchess